2005-09-14 - 4:26 a.m.

once again i worried for nothing. after losing my job and going to court, i found myself being stigmatized. that didn't stop me from finding a similar job. however, my health declined. my sciatica returned worse than ever and i lost another job. i went to therapy, have an epidural, and finally, because all else failed, had spinal surgery. after all of that, had i realized that nothing really matters, i should have done the terrible things i was accused of doing. i should had since it didn't matter that i didn't do it.

my foot has not returned to being functional but there is some hope of fixing it with physical therapy. once i am up and running i will once again look for a dead end job. mother can no longer work. father has not improved any and he is still jobless. my worries increase about my brother. he is our financial backbone but his weight continues to increase, making him more likely to have a stroke or a heart attack. my mother continues to journey through her menopause and i've become sick and tire of spending so much time with them. i need an exit.

being at home for such long periods has increase my anxiety and depression levels. my mood is unstable and i yearn, once more, for male companionship. it becomes easier to cope when i venture out to the doctor's office or to the video store/retail store/phamarcy.

there is one thing that i feel i must confess... the second guy i had oral sex with was straight. and yes, as much as i tried to forget about it, i can no longer keep his name a secret. why should i keep a secret for someone who only pretended to be my friend? it was henry.

previous ~ next