2004-08-03 - 11:03 a.m.

hey there. not much is happening. i have my doctor's appointment on thursday. he will tell me where i should go from here, more injections, surgery...

i had an ackward weekend. i took some xantrex-3, naprosyn 1000mg, and robaxin 1500mg and i felt good throughout the day. i little moody at times. but at the end of the day on saturday, i felt incredibly depressed and suicidal. i was worried because it was not my normal depression levels. it was beyond and i couldn't think of a way to get out of it. i didn't care if i died and i couldn't think of any reasons why i should continue to live. being alive or dead were seemed the same at the time so it didn't matter if i was either/or. i was lucky i was also having mood swings. i was able to reason better when i was in the positive mood swing. it gave me time to wait the night out. i didn't sleep at all and then i went to pick up my mom. i took more pills and fell asleep crying.

thinking back, i wonder why even my anger and fear could not stop me from thinking about dying. only i kept thinking of someone saving me. i think i need a soul mate. or husband.

i'm not sure if it is the pills or me. probably both.

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