2003-08-12 - 11:58 p.m.

dearest beloved,

nothing i write is original, innovative, or life changing. i shouldn't even bother. i am afraid, however, that if i don't try to capture some of my memories, then no one will know who i am and even worse, no one will remember that i existed. i've have been feeling up, not happy, but not depressed. i been feeling stable, even with the stress from work.

at work, there are three new employees. one is quiet, the other is annoying, and the third has an alterior motive. i would have never hired any of them, but it was not up to me. the theory was that if we got new people, we would be able to get better coverage of the store. i don't mind training people but they suck my willingness to work and my patience. i need my willingness and patience to deal with customers. even the easiest going ones suck me dry. and financially too. i don't get my commisions because i'm showing them how to ring things up. or i have to show them how fotofinishing works and then end up doing it myself to get it done on time. B does not say anything upfront. he believes in not nagging people and that they know what to do. sometimes people don't do what they know they need to do. i end up telling them to things. i end up the bad guy. the one guy that is annoying has also been disrespectful and when i call him on it he ignores me or contradicts me. then i call him on ignoring and contradicting me and he talks back. he is such a child. he is so gone or i will leave. either way, i will tolerate this situation. i normally can adjust but i'm going through depression and anxiety. i cannot deal with adjusting to new management, procedures, mood swings and personal problems with an added disturbance from this guy.

khang is away. his grandmother died. should i get him something? perhaps an emergency ham. who cares. people always die. i should be more caring, but he does not seem too sad. i wonder if i'm a bad person because i would not be sad when my grandmother dies.

i have been with the company long enough to get vacation hours. i can't wait to go on vacation. however, i figured out that i spend one hundred dollars more than what i make every two weeks. i can't possibly afford a vacation. i really want to move on and change but i can't focus. gotta focus. others have done it. my relatives have ascended. i wouldn't feel so bad if i had something to show that i have not wasted my life.

people have been noticing that i have been down. i have not been depressed as before but this is some other kind of sorrow. i've been contemplating what my family's lives would be like without me. if i had a heart attack or killed myself. i wondered if i would really stop feeling pain that is worse than the pain i get in my legs that feels like my bones are breaking. would my suffering stop? stop forever?

and yet i don't feel as bad as before.

i have been helping my brother with his english essays. we stay up late sometimes. i mostly edit his work and keep him on his subject. i can't believe his teacher doesn't realize that his writing has been greatly influenced by my style of writing. (which sucks by the way.)

i still drive mom to work. recently, though, she only wants me to drive her to the bus stop. but when i drive her there i have to get up earlier. instead of five thirty, she wakes me up at five. but the last times i ended up driving her all the way cause she missed the bus.

i've suddenly realized that i'm all grown up. i'm an adult. why am i still living at home? yes, i'm broke, but that doesn't matter. i need to move forward not sideways. wow, i sound like all those people that tried to give me advice. who knew?

i feel better, and by tomorrow i won't remember ever writing about this. and then the cycle continues.

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