2003-07-14 - 4:23 p.m.

diary,

i still find myself worrying about other people. people like bryan, my brother, and Xboss. i keep fearing that they will leave this world all too soon. that i will never truly know them, partially because i do not open up completely. the more time i spend working with bryan the stronger my loyalty grows. the things i want to change about me are merely superficial and if i were to spend the time it would take me to change those things, i could help others. i could actually give someone else hope, even if i could never have it for myself.

i have gone from "atheist catholic" to labeling myself "agnostic." in the end, that won't make a difference either way. i do want to believe in something greater than me, something that would give me something to live for. i can go on for some days without remembering my sadness, but it does return with a heavy presence. quiero enamorarme. i want to be crazy, but not the everyday crazy. i want to be crazy in love. that won't solve anything. it will only give me more to focus on and put aside my regrets and remorse. sweet, glittered, plush snake.

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