2003-07-04 - 6:42 p.m.

dearest beloved diary,

today is my fifteenth year of living in the US. i can hardly remember moving here. i do remember not wanting to stay and having to leave all my, errr, i was going to say friends. i am not sure if they were my friends but i do remember wanting to see them again. some of them were really cute. what!? i can't look at ten-year-old boys? well, i was nine at the time. i liked older boys then too.

anyway, first i lived in my grandmother's living room. i said my grandmother's, even though it was my grandfather's house, because she invited us to stay. they lied to us and my mother. they said that were going to go disneyland. actually, we did go to disneyland, so technically they didn't lie. well, they didn't say that we were going to stay and attend school here.

now my parents, my only and older brother, and i, live in lincoln heights in a so-so neighborhood in an apartment.

i miss my mom's brothers and sisters and my cousins. they were so similar to us. they were about the same age as my brother and i. life is so complicated at times that it doesn't seem worth fighting for. and then there are times when all i can think of is living so that i may repay all that need punishment. that and living life to the fullest because we only get one chance to do things right. i can be positive as well, you know.

sigh.

i often think that god makes me fat and weak that i cannot harm others.

but it is not all the time that i feel like hurting others. i often feel for others. even when i accidently killed a moth, i felt depressed and felt sympathy for the little creature. i put myself in it's place and regretting taking it's life....it's energy. but then i remember that it's just an insect.

we're all just insects.

previous ~ next