2003-06-17 - 11:50 p.m.

dearest beloved,

last night i had to sleep in mom's bed with dad. she was sleeping in my bed and didn't want to push her off it...this time. it was no big deal since i have done it before, no, not the pushing mom off my bed, but sleeping next to dad. i kept on tossing and turning, and reacting to his movements. whenever he would turn his face towards mine i would have to turn away from him. i usually sleep on my right side.

i also had two nightmares. one was a re-occurring type. i had forgotten about that nightmare because i hadn't had it in a lonnnnnnnnnnggggggg time. it was about these ghostlike creatures. kinda like the ghost characters in the Matrix Reloaded. but mine were taller and dark...dark cloaks and dark haired. the dream was set in my grandmother's house. the ghosts would wait outside whatever room i was in and they had stakes or other hand held weapons. the only way to get rid of them was to impale them. my brother was in my dream when i was in my old room. he was sleeping in his bunk bed and he wouldn't help me get rid of the ghosts. i don't know why i wanted to get rid of them since they wouldn't come into the room but they were right outside the door. i kept on stabbing them and tossing them out the front door. when i stabbed the ghost only their cloaks remained. it was kind of scary but while in my dream i got that deja vu feeling. so i didn't feel my heart racing.

then more tossing and turning because dad's movements were so noticeable.

my second dream was weird too but similar to the first one. this time it took place in my grandma's living room and backyard. my brother was there, as well as grandma. we were sitting there watching tv and i felt a presence outside the windows. i looked out and saw this floating figure and was concerned enough to go outside. i tried to harm the figure with a broken broom stick and with every attempt, it would disappear. i would go inside various time to have my brother help me guard my grandmother, but he wouldn't. grandmother wouldn't pay attention to me either. the figure tried to get inside and broke the window and i went after it...and the figure was familiar. it was someone i knew or i felt i knew him, but i could not see who it was. i went back to check on them and to have my brother help me and the living room was back to normal as if nothing had happened. i think i had feelings toward the figure. it felt like it was someone i was attracted to. my brother and grandmother would not respond, almost as if they were sleeping. i catiously turned off the tv with the remote control my brother was holding with his right hand on his lap. i went toward the kitchen. i was done caring since they didn't care. then i awoke again.

i felt like i didn't sleep at all because of all the tossing and turning. i was awake every time i tossed and turned...i sorta counted, it was like six times and mom's alarm that went off at four...i turned that off. i looked at the clock at nine and ten and eleven. then i got up at twelve with a stiff neck.

i kept on wondering who was going to open the store since there was no one scheduled. i would have mentioned it to bryan, but i did not want to second guess him. i thought that perhaps he had someone from another store to open up.

i got a call from my aunt and she asked who b was. she didn't know i had a new manager. she told me that he was barely doing control strips around twelve and he had six rolls ready to be processed. it didn't register that he opened late. i just thought that he was barely doing the control strips.

when i got to work he looked kinda mad. and he got more madder, hmmm, is that a word? anyway, he got mad cause dar couldn't print something of ours. he just said to tell her that he was going down there. oiii. oops, i didn't tell b there was no one scheduled to open. oh well, my bad. i can barely take care of my schedule. i want to be able to help him but we do not connect. i know almost nothing about or what he is about. is hard for me to help like this. heather called him to get down there and open up the store. i should not be mean, it could happen to anyone. now karma will the same to me. arghh.

everything was fine at work after awhile. b left at around three. i was with the printing but them some lady brought eighteen rolls and i still needed to print the thirteen rolls bryan left me. i had to leave work at ten. but i punched in a fake lunch to be able to stay till ten. otherwise it would have been overtime and heather don't like overtime. oh no she doesn't. the store is all icky, but it's all good cause i open tomorrow. grrr, but b wants me to do some statistic shit, but i don't know where he left the goddamn binder. gasp. sometimes i get mad at him because he leaves me with all this junk i should be able to do but i can't quite finish. why can't i be waspy perfect like martha stewart?

i need more time to bond with him. my loyalty will grow and i will protect the store and the integrity of my manager.

jeremy had said that he had called my cell phone and i finally checked, and no. there's no sign of his call. and he still has my CD.

CARLA GET MY MOTHERFUCKING CD BACK FROM JEREMY NOW.

so anyway, carla, did you leave any vanilla flavored vodka for your dearest cousin or did you give it all away to your friends? yeah, that's right. who got the drink anyway? oh, you did. are you sure? oh, you are. okay, then it's all on you. you stole the drink. and you stole it from your so-called friend...so that's how you treat your friends? hehe. i am evil. wow. i knew it and you peeps didn't want to listen to me...wait, who am i talking to?

thanks for signing my guestbook.

i was driving around looking for someone to take a picture of. i didn't find anyone. that boring now. onto the next step. i'm such a deviant and i could stop, but why not do what feels natural? you may think that it's unhealthy but you smoke, drink, and do drugs, what's the difference?

my leg still hurts but not as bad.

tomorrow i work with khang. if he asks me over to his place then i will go on with plan a, and if he does not i will go with plan b. either plan will bring about an ending. and, actually, both plans are, in fact, the same plan. sleeping with dad sucks. you may quote me.

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