2003-06-01 - 10:38 p.m.

dearest beloved,

i do not know where to start. i imagine that a year from now i will read this and think, "wow, i have wasted my life trying to change who i am instead of embracing what i cannot change."

i feel strange, a mixture of sadness and comformity. i want material goods but what good will they do to repair my essence? i do not know if i am good or bad. is there a compromise? i want to help people, but i want to hurt those who hurt me. i want to hurt them until they can no longer hurt me or anyone else. i try to contrive ways of dealing with these problematic people, but then i think of consequences. it might be an actual conscience.

it's times like this that i wonder if god really exists...if he knows i exist...if he made me to be this way to keep me in control...or if i am here to bring balance to his universe. but i think, "does it really matter?" sometimes i truly think that nothing really matters. but i feel trapped thinking like this and then i think that everything matters. every minute is an opportunity to do something, to change things, to destroy them because nothing really matters because everything matters. others matter and i do not, unless they think i don't matter. if that is the case, then i do matter and they do not matter. and that is when they become problematic.

to those that do not know me, all that i have written might not make complete sense and it shouldn't. don't worry. i do not understand myself either. i don't think anyone is suppose to really know anyone. what would be the purpose in that?

i love puffy clouds.

i cannot love. i cannot think. i am not worthy of my mind. why am i weak?

i want to be cremated when i die. i want to be divided up and given away to my family. that's something i truly want to understand--family. we care for our families because we have a bond with them. but all human beings can feel. all humans are alive, so why not care for them too? animals are alive and so are plants. why not care for them too? the earth provides us with resources that keep us alive, why not care for the earth?

if love is a trick of the mind to get us to mate, then why love animals and plants? i don't understand homosexual love or birth control. sex is for reproduction. sex was made desirable to encourage procreation and love makes sex less disgusting. if we are aware of ourself, then why bother with the physical? i am aware and yet i lust as well as any other. it those not make sense to me at all.

jeremy called me and i did not answer. i am not sure what to do about it. i miss him, but i act like such a jerk around him because i do really care about him, not sexually. i feel like the transvestite in The Crying Game. i should have been a woman. i don't envy women's periods but i do envy the way they get to be paired up with a man for companionship and everything else. anyway, i do not wish to hurt him. and i hate myself for who i am when i am around him. i do have sexual urges but not toward people i care about. i understand that lust is one thing and love another. i do not wish to mix them. it doesn't matter, i cannot truly love because i don't understand love. if i do not understand it, then i do not know love. by the way, i do not love jeremy. i don't even know if i love my parents or my brother. i care very much for them. love will come rushing to me one day but until then i will have to try my hardest to keep them in my thoughts.

i despise someone so much and yet i continue to see him as if we were friends. i wanted to ended but i was careless. next time i will not fail. i will not regret anything.

why do you only call me when you want something from me? you know who you are. why can't you just call me because you want my company to talk? i only answer because i have a bond to you. it's part of my humanity. if i must, i can force myself to overlook it and erase you from my mind, or at least try my hardest. i have been successful before. i can be again, perhaps not with you, but i will win once more. even a small victory can change my perceptions of who i am, what i can do, and who i can be.

my relationship with a close family member that i thought was close to me has shown signs of strain. perhaps it's the job or the hours, but i think that it's the past that has come between us. it's too bad. the past is all i have in common with this family member. the offspring are also important, well, i am not sure if 'important' is the right word. i care for the offspring, but would i lay down my life for them? probably not. even though i wish the worst for myself, i do not want to go as of yet. there are many things i must do and finish. there's a lot things i haven't tried. and there many a people i haven't met that i might enjoy knowing, even if it's for a minute. i can still be surprised no matter how much i may prepare myself.

someone please sign my guestbook. it feels lonely here. my parents are out of town, and my brother is out with his friends. i don't have any friends. i want friends, but i have nothing to offer them. i realize that they might actually just enjoy who i am and that that is all they need from me. however, i want to be so much more, to be someone i am not. i shouldn't try to change to impress anyone but i feel unworthy.

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