2003-01-02 - 8:27 a.m.

dearest beloved,

i have lost alexx. it happened sometime this week. yesterday i was at my aunt's house celebrating new year's day. my uncle pepe asked my mom, in front of my aunt veronica, when i was going to be seen with a girlfriend. i, of course, turned to me mom and replied with, "a girlfriend?"

then uncle asked again and then i replied with his first question.

on the way home with mom, i told her that i felt that they were making fun of me. she said that they asked my brother the same thing. i told mom it's not the same with me because i'm different and she knows that. i didn't want to explain myself, but she seems to understand. the rest of the way home, i kept thinking of how i don't completely let go. how i'm not complete when i hold back because i don't want her to be embarassed of me. it's bad enough i'm a fat-ass. hmm, perhaps if i stopped being a fat-ass and then i can be a queen. anyway, i felt bad because i was wondering when i would get to be who i am...when my parents die? if i wait until the die, then they would never know who i really am. i have spent so many years of conforming to my environment that i do not know who i am and wondering who i would have been had i not conformed. and so homosexuality didn't seem to be something that would harm anyone, other than other people's feelings.

i tend to use people as reference points. since people seem to remain about the same, it's kinda safe for to do so. my friend, currently one of the strongest reference points, has confided in me. he is sick. he was so calm about it...i guess he had rehearsed it in his mind a couple of thousand times. well, when he closed the door, i knew it wasn't good news. so he told me and i could not react. how do normal people react? i felt weaker...i was already feeling tired and damaged from the conversation with mom. the news was like being told the sun would stop shinning way sooner than expected. jeremy and my friend were about the same reference point of normalcy but my friend was the strongest influence. and now, i feel helpless and useless because i cannot help. he has family and a mate...but still wished i could make him better. i usually don't react so badly to this type of news but i was not expecting this. this situation had not crossed my mind. it is very hard to surprise me. when i was thinking of what he might tell me, i down-graded the seriousness of the news because he told me it was nothing big. so my mind was so under-prepared. my mind is working through by erasing my memories. so that is why i am making sure to write some of this down. my brain will not allow me to suffer too much. it's best that way, otherwise everyone would suffer. i was overwhelmed with thoughts and different alternate futures and now, i am breathing. that's all i want to do...breath.

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