2002-11-30 - 12:45 a.m.

dearest beloved,

recently i have been trying new scenerios and they are very close to what i had imagined they would be. i went to le bar with omar not so long ago. we went on a thursday. we saw male strippers. they were fun but i could not fully enjoy the show. i even turned away one stripper that tried to give me a lap dance. he scared me. it was sitting there wondering what life would be like if i could pass as normal. and then, he came behind me and pulled my chair. i thought it was a bartender kicking me out or something. i realized who it was and i pushed him away with my arm. so scary. omar seemed amuzed. omar has a history with these strippers. he knows the stripper that was going to give me a lap dance. kind of strange, i think. i do not truly know if he understands the oddity of the entire situation. it is interesting to see another quasi-normal loner going through life looking for that man that would change the world but not for us. a man that can love but could never love another man because it's a weakness or a sickness. of course i know he does not exist and that makes him so much more desirable. he would be the only kind that i would ever love, the one that would never love me.

concerned, man.

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