2002-09-20 - 10:53 p.m.

beloved,

i feel sad. well, as close to sad that i can feel. i'm a selfish person, if it is not my pain, i don't feel sad. anyway, i thought that jody and i had come a long way from when i began. but alas, she prefers rebecca. i don't know why or how this happened. i try to please jody in every way that i can but that is not enough. it's too bad, it just means i'm done trying to please her. she can have rebecca and i will go back to the shadows and try not to get in the way. i feel so good that she taught me something new about the lab today, but i did not have to time to master it. grrr. this sucks. it would have been a wonderful opportunity for me to show her that rebecca isn't the only one that can learn from her. i fucked up by allowing rebecca to leave twice and not giving me enough time to advance. also, i had to leave so i could go to my aunt's wake. i do not wish such a sad ending for human life.

tomorrow i will go to mass.

gumby, i'm done. i don't know who you are. i guess it was just a yearning to make friends. it made me blind and it led me to believe that life mattered. well, not just my illutions of you but my illutions of this thing some call life.

perhaps this is the last time i mention you here, maybe not. in the future, i'm not sure, maybe then i will change again. for now, i'm out of order.

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