2002-09-15 - 10:55 p.m.

beloved,

i don't remember what happened, not entirely.

let's see...

gumby never called me. it's okay, i know where he lives.

i called omar today, but he did not call me back. is that bad or good?

i saw dahmer and then the rat trap caught the stupid rat that roamed our kitchen. it looked so helpless while it tried to get off the trap. i could hear it struggling to breath. it made me sad, especially after watching dahmer. it reminded of how precious life could be for others. and it reminded of, hmm, that emotion, how do you say?...ah yes, compasion.

i ate ice cream and made a milkshake. however, now i feel more fat-ass-licious.

oh, also, i moved the furniture around in my beloved room.

i'm lonely...but i do not crave love. i crave something else. i think i crave companionship. the voices in my head no longer suffice. i need less invasive voices. i would not care too much that i cannot control outside voices, not that i can control my inner voices. it all seems confusing now to you but it always seems confusing to me. and that's okay. that's when i know things are within pseudo-normal parameters.

sometimes i get summerged by other people's tsunamis of paranoia. i suppose that's okay too. at least it gives me something else to worry about. i envy those whom do not have to envy others.

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