2002-06-08 - 1:41 a.m.

dearest beloved,

i want to know more about this thing i know nothing about called "love." but first i need to do somethings to change who i have becomed, the person i had to be in order to hide who i really was but is now half gone. it doesn't make much sense to me either.

as long as i know that i'm not lying to myself will have to be enough for today. it won't be enough for tomorrow or the day after that, but it's the best i can do under the enormous lack of energy and will. time will test me and i will fail and fail but i will continue to face time until i die. if only death wasn't such a great mystique.

can't wait to see jake gyllenhaal in another movie.

too many gay guys at the mall. so thin and beautiful, it makes me want to throw up the carl's jr that i constantly eat at work. my shame can't be hidden with a jacket but yet i try. as hot as it gets i sweat and sweat and draw more attention than if i didn't wear it, but that' not true either. nothing is as it seems with me. so many different facets and layers upon layers of distortions.

i don't like working at the mall. too many windows for people to see me working. stop watching me please. stop asking me for help. i'm not your mother. i don't know anything about cameras...i'm just working there for seven dollars an hour. nothing more, nothing less.

i suck at lying. i become so obvious when i try to alter the truth, except for when i have tailored my truths for so long...they now fit somewhat.

still lonely but not desperate.

my eyes hurt from my daily routines. actually not my mine but watching the routines of others. why must they try to force me to their routines?? i do not force mine onto them, not as hard as they try anyway. i don't know what to tell you. i have problems. you have problems. should my problems be more important than yours because they are mine?

should yours because they are yours?

i can think only of still waters and fish swimming around...and then...a shark comes out and eats the fish. the water turns red. i cry inside. poor fish. but now the shark can continue to live. and now there's more room for other fish. the water clears and the water becomes calm. still water once more. another fish. a shark.

that mistake was yesterday's.

pain from all sides. my skin like pavement. my hair like corn husk. my pilsbury body. crossovers all over and over...forever and ever, forever, ever?

it all comes down to i'm scare of never knowing love. don't pity me. i have enough of that inside.

my life as an online diary.

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