1998-10-21 - 11:36 p.m.

beloved,

i called heidelyn, but she was not home. then, at around 8:00p.m., i called german zarate, an old high school peer, to throw myself at him. i dared to make a fool of myself because he always brings me back to reality. he can put me in my place. he has bruised my ego once more, which is what i needed. i must now dare to loose weight to be able to kick his ass.

i must get off my ass somehow. i must finish reading the books i started. i must starve starting tomorrow.

tomorrow i will go to the library and start writing on the notebook father gave me. first, however, i will go to the laundromat. then i must go to aunty's house, maybe, to get some water. yes, still no running water at grandmy's. and soon a job has to be in my future to reduce credit card balances.

i rented movies today. i wanted to see kiss me guido, but my local video store does not carry it. instead, i got the x-files, lost in space, and city of angels. city of angels left me with an incredible impression. in the shower scene with nicholas cage there's a gigantic shadow of an obviously fake penis shaft. but still, what a scene. would someone like me rewind the tape to verify what i saw? damn straight!!!

night.

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