2002-04-07 - 1:10 a.m.

beloved,

i've been getting closer to becoming my true inner self but i mess up by letting little things that shouldn't matter get in the way...

i really want to tell my mom i want dick. when i try to tell her i feel like she senses what i want to say and she stops me with her opinions. it's mixed blessings when your mother knows what you're thinking. she probably thinks that as long as i don't utter the words of confession, about something she already feels inside, that i will not go "gay" on her.

i'm determined to tell her in my own time and way. also, i trying really hard to make friends. i have been alone too long. i am human and good enough as anyone out there...god that sounds like something Oprah preaches.

i bought some new porn. i'm getting rid of the old porn. i did tell my cousin i was going to give her a tape but i shouldn't. i'll just lend her one of the ones i bought. the gay sorta anime one. she does like her anime.

i wish i could go with her to otakon but i can't afford anything. i must look for a better paying job. now that i have my car i should be able to find something better than working customer service at pic n save. grr. it evens sounds pathetic in writing.

god, i miss Selena. no crossover for her.

in the mail i got another letter from Las Memorias, the Wall Projet. they're having a mixer on the 10th but i can't go cause i'm working that night at pic n save. stupid waste of time.

my tio pepe saw me there today. called me "four eyes." that's so true. he and his family live with my grammy now. sandra is still there, i think. it's funny..sandra, my cousin, gets one room, the master bedroom, and my uncle and aunt get the smaller bedroom. and my little cousins get the converted dinning room. how cramped...i should know. i used to live there with mom, dad, and brother. but we lived in the smaller bedroom..all four of us for eleven years.

then i got tired of that and claimed the ghetto room between my grammy's house and uncle mariano's house that used to be used as a closet. i literally lived in the closet..well sorta still do. at least i got my own room now. however, i don't like living away from my cousin or grammy or franklin high. i lived there for such a long time that i actually miss highland park. it wouldn't be so bad if lincoln heights didn't suck. if only i had friends, money, better job, and more time. i have time...

i just feel tired all the time. must exercise..

if only i could become anorexic.

previous ~ next