2002-02-23 - 1:17 a.m.

Dearest Beloved,

Yesterday I felt extremely tired. Even after seeing Rusell for the second time didn't seem to make any substantial difference. Although, I didn't mind seeing him again, nor will I mind seeing him more times. Once I was home I felt very dead inside...

This morning I felt normal as I could feel. But I am still very physically tired. I don't know what this is. I hate this feeling, not being able to function to my fullest potential.

I am so desperate to re-create my past that I'm ignoring the fact that it's the future and present that matters most.

I wish that even in my darkest periods of self-loathing that I do not lose my one relationship...with my sister. She's living her life and I feel she has moved away from me to make new relationships...it's only fair. I want to do the same, but i cannot. That's not to say that I don't love my real brother or my parents. It's just that they don't even try to understand me. I am not sure even if they are willing to do so. Oh Mrs. Robinson..where are you? I need a mentor.

I go now.

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