2002-01-06 - 11:29 p.m.

Dearest Beloved,

I believe I made a mistake by letting LaChota know that Theodore is cutting my hours secretly, or so he thinks. Waiting a little more would have been better for collecting evidence, but you know me. I know I'm going to hear from Theodore. I cannot believe he thinks I don't check up on my hours.

I'm so cold with sadness.

Today we went to visit my uncle's family. Being in their tiny apartment reminded me of my other cousins and the poverty they have to live through and how I no longer live like them. It's not that I am better off but I do have more resources now. Here, while typing on my computer with an actual internet connection, they are happy to be working to be able to eat. It's a horrible, painful feeling that lingers knowing that we are growing apart on different planes of reality. But anyway, my uncle and family remind me of living in poverty back in Mexico. It wasn't too bad then because I didn't realize it. It was very commom to live the way we lived in our neighborhood. I did see a difference but not enough to know that we were poor. Now we don't live so bad, but compared to American standards we are still poor. This confusion as to wondering if I should ever be satisfied with this reality, makes me question what I really want and what I really need. I am just left with the desire to help my family, and the reality that I cannot even help myself.

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