2001-11-04 - 1:16 p.m.

Well, I've been away from my diary for awhile hoping that reclaiming a few minutes here and there would help me get a life. How very wrong. Can't shake the utter feel of failure out of my system, but I cannot give up, ever.

I have been looking into buying a car for job interviews and even perhaps another job!! I really like this one car but it's old. My brain knows I shouldn't buy but I cannot resist. I NEED A CAR.

The sewing machines still sits there.

I'm paying attention to my body image again because of possible new line of work and it looks like I really let myself go again. I wasn't this flabby before...well yes I was but then I exercised. But I stopped again and now I'm flabby or is it flabbier?

Yesterday was my three year anniversary of working at Pic N Slave. I have not heard from the corporate office about my site that mentioned Pic N Slave. Should I even care?

My mom continues to say things like, "I don't care if he's like that (gay)." She also says things like, "I'm the one that has to answer to God about him being like that (again "that" meaning "gay")."

I never want to see my grandfather again after having spent a whole weekend including a Friday with him. However, I don't understand why my cousin can't at least pretend to not be mean about him being there. I did see my grandfather after that weekend so I guess I can see a few more times, I guess.

Perhaps she feels that my aunt (her mom) pays more attention to him than her. She is still in the age when she needs her mom for guidance or nagging. No matter. I've things to do with my own life. I cannot wait for others to make time for me. I don't make time for me so I won't wait for others.

I haven't decided whether to burn my bridges at work if I do get to leave before this x-mas season ends.

I must go use that damn sewing machine. I didn't even make a costume for halloween. I stayed home watching my old friend/enemy...the tv.

tv did kill the radio star. it killed my social life too.

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