2001.07.18 - Star Trek night

Dearest Beloved,

I did nothing today on my day off. I mostly slept. How lazy. I just gained more weight. I can't bare anything anymore. I want to be in a coma. Or a wonderful dream where I can actually control my surroundings.

No, I don't take drugs. I now realized that in a previous entry about being unstable I sounded like I used drugs. I wish I had a visible problem like that instead of these hidden psychological obstacles. That saddest part of it all is that I'm not in denial, I know what is wrong with me and for the most part I know what I have to do. I just can't start. I can see that there is no future for me. I envy stupidity. I want to be ignorant, even more than now. I have lost most of my mental abilities. Working in a dead end job had a hand in it, but whatever abilities I have left show up and people expect things from you. I hate it when things are expected from you.

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