2001-07-01 - 8:59 p.m.

Dearest Beloved,

* 8:00 a.m.-- We left the apartment for Tijuana.

*11:35 a.m.-- We got to my mom's house in Mesa Otay in Tijuana, Baja California, Mexico.

Arriving at my mom's house we immediately noticed that my cousin, Humberto, had told the truth about painting the duplex. However, he had also said that he had put up a new fence. He failed to state that he only put the new fence directly in front of their half of the duplex.

Upon closer inspection, my mom noticed that the front door to her duplex home was open and that the door knob was dangling from from its base.

She pushed the door and she, father, and I saw piles of junk. There was a stove, TV, shoes, boxes of clothes, computer stuff, and more.

I wasn't sure at that point how mother was going to take it. She was used to things like that from other people, but coming from her sister, my aunt Lili, I wasn't sure how this was going to go down.

I didn't have to wait long to see her reaction. Mother got REALLY mad. I have never seen her this mad. NEVER. We called out my aunt's name but she was showering. We went around to the back through my aunt's side 'cause we couldn't even go through our side of the house. There was too much junk on the side of the house too.

In the backyard was my cousin, David, and his friend. My mom yelled and yelled and no one even noticed her. My other cousin, Josefina, came out and David finally noticed that my mother was furious. They both then followed mother to the front of her house. She lectured for quite some time. We waited for my aunt to get dressed. My aunt was listening to the lecture my mom was giving to my cousins.

When she finally came out, she told my mom not to yell and to step outside. She and my mother argued in the backyard for a while, but my aunt never left her kitchen. That really pissed off my mom. She hates arguing in public for the neighbors to gossip.

We left to go to my other aunt's house. I really like this other aunt. My aunt Josefina is really cool. She is like everyone's mother. Only my uncle and cousin Martin were home.

Half an hour later, my aunt Josefina got home with my cousin Carmen. My cousin Carmen is really cool. She really listens to you. She makes you feel like you matter. My mother didn't want my aunt Josefina to see her cry, or to know why she was crying. She was holding it as much as she could, but she couldn't hold it for long. Arguing with my aunt Lili made her really sad. Her sister kicked her out of her house so that she could argue with her. That got her the most.

When my mom started to cry, I told my aunt Josefina that she was crying because she really wanted to see my grandma's grave site. And she did. We all left to the grave site.

I hadn't been there in over fifteen years. It eerily looked very much the same. I felt very morose at how things don't work out like you want them to. I, especially, thought of all the potential I never used or bother to try using. There was an incredible connection to my past, religion, family, and sense of home that I had been looking for years.

After saying a rosario and leaving my grandma different color roses, we went back to my aunt Josefina's house. When we first got to my aunt's house I saw a notice on their front porch. I instinctly knew what it was without really reading it. I had a dream that had prepared me for that reality. The notice was a request for a phone line. In my dream, however, I somehow paid for it. That was the only difference. My cousin Teresa got it for her.

At my aunt's house I was waiting for my cousins. I really get along with all my cousins, but I really like my cousin Pablo. He was born one day before I was, which is funny because he still asks me how old I am. He's so cool. He doesn't understand me but I like to use him for a reference of what I should look like. He likes to tease though. He knows I'm sensitive about being touch and he's always poking my stomach.

There's one thing that bothers me about him, however. He's my cousin, but he is also good looking. I haven't told them that I prefer men. And they do ask if I have a girlfriend. Anyway, he always hugs me and becomes very touchy with me and I don't want that. I don't like it because I like it too much. I would like to be the object of affection to someone special, but inside I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone. So anytime a guy touches me I get a rush of mixed feelings/emotions. I don't know how to describe this feeling. I guess that I'm just damaged.

I know it sounds sick that I feel that way when my cousin hugs me but it's mostly because we don't see each other often. This is the second time I have seen in thirteen years. I don't see him as my cousin sometimes. Sometimes I see him as a guy...a good looking guy. This is not the only time I have felt funny about guys touching me. In high school, Ron Martinez had put his right arm across my shoulders and I felt so weak, so disoriented that I didn't know what to do. I have forgotten why he did that, but I will never forget his warm embrace. So please don't misunderstand. I don't like my cousin that way. It's just that he is a guy and when he touches me I feel confused about men. Also, I have another cousin. My cousin Humberto looks like me, or so my other cousins say. They say that he physically looks like me and that we have similar physical expressions. I think he's gay, but I am not sure. Everytime I am around him, he looks like he wants to talk to me ask him about it.

For the rest of the day we stayed with my aunt Josefina and my cousins, including Humberto. My cousins Pablo, Carmen, and Aurora, and I went to the plaza to take some pictures. I will forever try to remember this wonderful day. Plus I have this entry and the pictures to help me.

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