2001-06-24 - 12:58 a.m.

Dearest Beloved,

Why do I start my diary with "Beloved"? Well, it started with that movie Beloved. Good movie, oh so I heard. I never did see it, but as you can see the word "Beloved" stuck to me.

I haven't been spending too much time online lately or updating my diary because I get stuck online. I usually get the urge to surf for porn. It is a waste of time and I don't know why I bother since I just feel bad after porn watching. By the way, you can feel free to look up porn at altagaylinks.com. Ignore that last sentence if you must, but since I have wasted so much time at that site, I thought you should know what I waste my time on.

As for my trip, I still haven't figured out a way to get to where I'm going. I need some help figuring out how to get to San Diego via Amtrak or something similar. Maybe I can get a ride from someone. Unlikely. I shall try though.

Today I worked in the morning. When I got home I was suppose to go to the laundromat, but instead fell dead tired asleep. I woke up here and there and ended up taking a seven hour nap. Could that be considered a nap--seven hours?

Is the lead singer for Stone Temple Pilots gay, or does he just look gay?

Today I saw some movie called 'Wilde' with Jude Law. I love Jude Law. I like the arrogance he gives off, but I'm sure it's not true arrogance. It can't be true arrogance, please it better not. Anyway, the movie was about Oscar Wilde, perhaps you hear of him? It was a sad homosexual story. At the end after Wilde was released from prison, Jude Law's character goes back with him. But that only lasted for three months. After which Wilde lives alone and dies of bad health. The sad part was that Wilde's wife, that's right he had a wife and kids, was still in love with him. She made Wilde promise not to see Jude Law's character (Bosey, I think it was), not out of spite but out of jealousy. He agreed since he did truly love her too, plus he wanted to be a family once more. She sadly died before he was released and so he did not only lose her but the kids as well. He was not allowed to ever see his kids. Now the sad part was that he broked his promised to his wife and essentially his kids, whom he supposedly loved. He went back to Bosey because he had no one else.

Why should you care? You shouldn't if you don't want to, but if you do then we have something in common. However, don't be fooled into thinking that all my diary entries are this thought out, if you can even call this thought out.

I did, however, now realized that I got away with my almost perfect crime. My best crimes are the ones that I never plan. Really, I must remind myself of that, but wait, if I remind myself, then that's kind of planning, isn't it?

Recently I bought a RCA Five Disc CD Player, but I am unsure if I truly need or want it, or if it fulfills my need for a CD player. I like the fact that it can play five discs but I don't like the volume control. Plus, it is not portable. And it makes too much noise when it changes discs. It was cheap though. Too many questions and options are available to make a suitable choice. That really sucks.

If only I could be succubus-like. Maybe not. If I were then I would have turned out completely different. Even though I hate my present state of being and certain despise what happened to me in the past, I would certainly do almost everything the same. I would only slightly, subtly change certain aspects, such as body weight, my queer voice, and my hair line. Just mostly things I have almost no control over, except for the weight thing.

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