2001-06-17 - 1:18 a.m.

Beloved,

I had known this before but it became very clear that the more things you have going on in your life the least likely that you would have time to write about them. That's what sorta has been happening to me lately. Not that my circumstances would ever work out in the ultimate dream-like sense, but it has been working out close enough to at least have a taste of my inner, deepest desires. I have to settle for that, for now.

My family ties have not strengthen as I previously wished. My relationship with my brother still strains along. We are never in sync. I'm not in the mood when he is and vice versa. He too is trying, but he is so different from me that I think that we will never succeed. I really do want to be more like a family, whatever that means in this day in age with our background.

The same is almost true with my relationship with my mother. I want to be close with her as I was when I was little (literally). Now I am closer to my dad, not to say that we speak about things that matter. It's funny actually because I do get along with him better but I also fight with him the most. Ever since he had his first stroke, I have gotten to know him better. I guess I'm trying to make up for all those years that we never bonded.

And there's that whole "let's not mention" that I'm different. I don't like it when they hint about knowing about my preferences like I'm not even in the room. For example, I was watching Saturday Night Live, not so live since it was a rerun, and Will Farrow is on Tv in his underwear for some skit and my mom asks "that's what you like watching...men in their underwear." She's kidding I think, but the second time she wasn't. The second time she asked if I like watching naked men. I think she was being serious, but I ignored her in annoyance. Or when we have dinner together, which is very unlikely, and they begin to use me as a punching bag for their little comments. My brother begins to say that I'm "weird" with insinuations that mother quickly picks up on. She supposedly defends me by saying that she loves me even if I am "weird." I would believe her too, if she wouldn't ask me questions like, "you like watching naked men?"

that's just mi familia.

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