1999-11-05 - 11:37 p.m.

November 5, 1999

Dearest Beloved,

I am so mad at Jesse for being so indifferent toward me. I have been slowly gathering my old unprocessed anger and combining it with some new anxiety and regret. I still suffer from low self-esteem and would rather hide under a rock than to smile in public. On a lighter note, I once again saw Jorge in front of his house. He was talking on the white cordless phone that I know imaging him using to call me. He still has facial hair and looks great. I, on the other hand, look fatter than ever. When I saw him smiling, I try to figure out why he and many others can smile so easily. It is very difficult for me to just go outside, let only smile. I am as smart as him or more and we both have similar backgrounds. So why does he get to be in public? Does having a stable family make that much of a difference? Either way, I still love him from here to eternity. I feel so stupid for having to lower myself. My strength should be growing to the point where I can stop wearing my façade. I can only dream of that moment for now, but I will not give anyone the satisfaction of knowing how vulnerable I really am.

My only strength is that I can change, slowly, but it is possibly for me to change. There is going to be a rainbow full of skittles for me at the end. Umm, skittles.

Bye for now…

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